Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
