if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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