I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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