Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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