I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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