i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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