where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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