i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
