I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
