You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
