You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
