Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
