If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
