I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
