in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
