Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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