Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
