I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
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