So gin and wine won't be happening again
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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