I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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