I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
