I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
