I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Randomize
