He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize