just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
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