at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
