totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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