omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I need to stop coming to work sober
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I'm having to shit out rocks
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