Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
