I queefed so loud it echoed.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Randomize
