Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
