loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
He passed out mid-signature
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
