and i looked up. we had an audience...
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
