so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
