Your mouth is God's brothel.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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