The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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