I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
You had me at "let me see your balls"
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
