the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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