I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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