we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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