So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
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