I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Floor bacon is actually really good
Randomize