She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
only if we run a train.
done.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
