my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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