the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
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