wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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