My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
