I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Randomize
