So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
