I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
