Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
just tell him i said nine months
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
