My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
she peed on how many people?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
