id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
