I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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