Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
They left me at home... I'm a liability
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
