worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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