1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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