I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
