I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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