First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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