I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
